Disappointment

It’s always sad when someone you care about disappoints you. It could be something they say, something they do, or just how they react to something. But when it happens, you just have that moment of shock where the moment just washes over you and you just have to ask yourself, “Did that just happen?” It feels like walking into a wall of cold water that just wakes you up and expands your world just a little bit, making it less the black and white you saw it as in the past, and more the muddy grey that it actually is. Some people get lucky, and more often than not they end up with a world that turns a lighter shade of grey, and becomes a bit more palpable. Others have a pallet that pushes darker and darker, moving from a grey to a dark black that seems like it’s just a hole in the universe that would swallow them and never let them go.

I’m lucky that in many cases, the people I know have made my pallet a little lighter, a little brighter, and easier to work with. They make it possible for me not to feel like an insane person. As I’m getting older, though, I’m finding people that used to disappoint me so little leave me feeling more and more that I’m falling into a deeper and darker grey that I never saw coming, though once I look at the world painted around me, it is much more grey than I imagined. It’s a hard moment to go through. It hurts, and I hate it when it happens. That happened yet again tonight, and it happened late last week as well. They were horrible moments, and I still don’t know how I kept it to the point where no one noticed that my worldview shattered yet again.

Now, this isn’t to say I haven’t been a disappointment or disappointed someone else. I have probably done that on a daily basis for a long time. I’m probably a damned pro at it. That though doesn’t meant that I can’t be disappointed in someone else. Everyone’s disappointed in someone, somewhere all the time. My only wish is that it wasn’t something that would be as common as it is, and I can’t see a way to stop it.

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