There’s two sides to the coin that is my brain. On one side, I’m happy to stay in a stasis that I’ve been able to build myself into. This isn’t as common, but when it hits me, it’s like a sweet wine. I don’t worry as much, so I take some risks with other things, like when I was working on my novels for the first time. It’s a rare sensation, and I’ve made it to the point where I try to savor every moment of it. The other side of the coin seems to come up much more often than that sweet side. This side the coin has me rather nervous on a constant basis. My brain tells me things are in flux, unstable, and always a danger. I can be in a good mood moments at a time, but rarely am I able to keep that up for long. My worries leak into more and more of my day till I reach the point where I spend an entire day stressing over something that I can’t really be in control of after that point. When this side of the coin comes up, I keep myself busy to try and not let those thoughts dominate, but it becomes shockingly hard after a while. I’m still surprised how quickly they can move from just nipping at the edge of my consciousness to fully filling every moment of my thought processes. Now, why am I bringing this up?
I’ve been in Austin for just a hair over a month at this point. I’m still doing the job hunt thing that I said I was going to do, but I’m hitting a bit of a wall. I’ve been applying everywhere I could for weeks now, and it feels like I’m going absolutely nowhere. I’ve not had a call for an interview yet, and that’s bothering me. It really shouldn’t be coming to the forefront of my thoughts as strongly as it is, though. It always, and I mean always, takes a while for an employer to get back to prospects about interviews. My last interview I had, I waited a month or two between putting the application packet in and getting the call for an interview. Then it was another week or two wait till the job offer. It takes time to find good people. My brain not taking in any input for a long while though makes me feel like things are going out of control, and it sets me off to where I start to worry about everything going on around me. That’s where I’m at now. I’m in the waiting stage in the job application process and it’s making me feel a bit nervous again. My brain tells me that I’m going to end up with no job, no money, and no means of help. I know that there’s the possibility of that, but I know I have support here and back in Indiana, though I don’t want to pull on that support more than I have to. Still, sitting in this silent period in this process makes me feel a bit wired.
I can pull a bit of solace from this feeling,though. I’ve felt these feelings before. I felt the same thing between leaving College and my student job till I got to the unnamed big box retailer. I felt good while I was there, though stressed, and started to make my flip back to the other side of the coin. That changed over quickly when I was laid off after the holidays and had to job hunt again, and it lasted for months until I had the job at my previous employer. I was there long enough that I was able to feel comfortable for a while. After a while though, I realized I couldn’t reach a stasis point there was was more than short term due to multiple reasons. I got more and more nervous until I had to finally leave there and try to do what I’d always wanted to do. That was the move to Austin and the chance to find full time work. The thing with each one of these situations, other than the current move at this point, was that I was able to pull myself out of the worry, nervousness and funk that I was in. I was able to get into a job, I was able to learn from it, I was able to leave, and then I was able to get into another job. I think the same thing is very much possible here, though it took me spilling a some of the contents of my mind into the keyboard and onto this blog to be able to do that. I feel better about my situation than I have in the last few days, even with the uncertainties. I think I’m ready to push on with this again. I guess I just needed some of that therapy that comes from writing. It’s a good thing I have this blog after all.