(500) Days of I Have No Clue

Evening folks (who somehow catch this in the few minutes before midnight)!  Today’s been interesting for me, I’ve gotta say.  It’s been a day where while I didn’t get much done in the way of my resolutions (I probably only read about 30 pages today in the book, I didn’t even touch my script, and screw concepts), but it was a day of me thinking back and thinking forward a bit.  And for this to work out, there’s a couple things you need to know.

Last year I found a little movie called (500) Days Of Summer.  I am a damn sucker for this movie.  I think from the first time I watched it, I related to it, even though at that point, yes, I’d never had a serious relationship before in my life.  Hell, I still don’t know if I’ve been in one yet, but that’s for a later point.  Honestly, I related to Tom quite a bit while watching it every time I did, much more than I did with Summer.  I’ve watched it many, many times at this point, that connection there, but I think at the immature “Tom’s going through a shitty time. Man, I feel sorry for him.  I get it.” level that existed in me.  But today was a little different.  I moved up to the  Blu Ray version of the movie today and decided to take another look at it.  The soundtrack’s been rolling through my head the last few days (courtesy of my iPhone), and I figured it was time to go ahead and watch it finally.  And then I did something I’ve only done once before with this one.  I turned on the commentary.  Apparently, the last time I did that with (500), I didn’t pay very good attention to it, because I think I learned some things tonight.

Those things though, aren’t going to make a lick of sense until I bring up one more bit of information.  This little bit though, is personal, but I’m gonna try it out and see what comes of it (with the name left out, because I don’t have permission to use the name and, well… this is the internet, after all).  I’ve been dating a girl for the last few months, and interestingly, I courted her years ago, but it just didn’t work out.  Really, it was my own fault.  Never was brave enough to say the word date at that point, so it never actually was.   She started dating someone soon after, and that was that. We’d talked ever since, and I still held a bit of a flame for her ever since, though I never did anything with it but just kinda let it sit at the back of my head, not really acknowledging that it was there, but never completely forgetting it either.  It just, sat there.  I didn’t see her much after that.  Maybe a couple times at a friend’s place, and once she came out to the house I was living in with a few friends.  We both had our own lives, and that was a good time for me.  I learned what I really loved to do and work on and now I’m working towards doing that for a living one day.  Really, for the most part, I put her out of my mind.

Then by crazy random happenstance (thank you for that one, Joss Whedon), I was outside of the second house I moved into with friends when she was walking by with her dog, and somehow we started talking.  We hung out a bit more after that winter, and while we were chatting at one point or another, I found out that she wasn’t dating anyone.  I never really moved in on it, but we hung out some more and things were good.  That flame kinda reared itself in my brain again, though I managed to ignore it for the most part.

Then back near the end of September, we were talking and i just admitted that I wished it had worked out between us.  One thing lead to another after that and we’ve gone out a few times now.  Not much, mind you.  Her major’s pretty damn time intensive, and I knew that going in.   Getting to the point, finally, while we’ve been dating, I’ve wondering if I’ve been doing things right, worrying about this, worrying about that, thinking about every little thing I’ve done and and just concentrated solely on that, and they made a point in the commentary where Tom was doing the exact same thing, to the point where he wouldn’t act on something that he knew he should do but wouldn’t because he wasn’t sure of the outcome, which I have to say, I’m the exact same way.  My own problem.  I am a master overthinker.  The KING of overthinkers.  I mean it’s been to the point where a friend tells me I’m an idiot and there’s no possible way a person could mean what I think they mean when I’m reading a piece of text in a chat or something.  Thankfully, that’s something I started working on before I noticed it in (500).  Trust me though, I still comes through more often than I’d like, especially in relation to the next point you need to know about.

But then there’s a point where it’s really honestly about the fact that he really doesn’t have his own opinion, just what he thinks it should be based on the movies and music that he’d been exposed to since he was a kid.  Which means that honestly, I should be taking a lesson that the idea of knowing what to do or how a relationship is, or how to handle a relationship should not be taken from Hollywood.  Which means that the lesson I learned from that movie I should just disregard.  Contradictory, eh?  Not as much as you’d think, in my opinion.

Yes, there are lessons that people shouldn’t learn from the movies and from music (or books, or anything else for that matter).  And honestly, I think that’s taking the lesson they teach at face value, even if you don’t realize it until you hear it in the commentary.  If you think there’s something in a character’s story that you relate to, and it’s a fault that you share, don’t try to do exactly what they do.  Try to find your own way to solve a similar problem.  I’m guilty of just trying to apply what they did in a movie to make myself a better person.  But fighting all those evil exes left me hurting after a while.    There’s a better way to handle this.

Movies are a great way for some of us to have self discovery, but they aren’t the way to fix our problems, or to tell us how to do that.  That’s all our own thing.  I kinda knew that already, but I never really took it to heart until recently.  In the last year (or two, if you count the book state of one of the stories), I’ve been watching movies and recently I’ve realized what the theme is in these few that really drew me in:

It’s time to grow up.

I’ve honestly let myself be pretty childish, even while in college.  I’d do what I want to do and scoff at near anything else.  I wouldn’t hang out with many people, I’d just be a recluse basically.  The one that made me realize that was Scott Pilgrim (both the books and the movie).  I’d missed out on a TON of life in college, and I made some changes personally that got me out there more, and I actually experienced something more than just going to class every day.  I took a few risks, and I think I came out better for it (even though not everything was perfect).

And then now it’s been (500), and something I realized about myself is that I really need to stop focusing on myself all the time.  I do that pretty much all the time, thinking about how I’m coming off to someone, if I’m doing things right, and not really being myself.  I don’t know how I’m gonna fix that yet, but I will at some point, that’s just how I work.

*  *  *

Wow.  So… I guess this is going up on the third… I promise that I started this on the second!  Around 10:45 or so I think.  But I just kept writing and writing and writing and I realized that I passed my day mark about halfway through. So I guess that means I’m going doing two technically today.  Sorry about the rambling post, I think it was just something I need to say.  And to the girl I’m dating, if you end up reading this and want me to remove any part of this, just let me know.  That’d be one of the few edits I’d be willing to deal with.

One thought to “(500) Days of I Have No Clue”

  1. “I don’t want to grow up, I’m a Toys-R-Us kid.” Couldn’t help it. Once again an excellent read. I think this is one New Years resolutions that will work out.

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