Here’s something to think about: No person you ever meet is seen as the same person by someone else. Put another way, no one person is the same to different people. Everyone is a different person to everyone they know, whether they mean to or not. Part of it is what you do to make yourself look a certain way to the people around you. This is something I’ve heard called a “self-edit” or “self editing”. Everyone does it down to minute degrees, though some do more than others. I do this constantly. I think back on it some times and I have to decide what type of wording I’ll use with this person, and what subjects we both like to talk about, the works. There are probably some unconscious things that I do as well that I don’t realize. I do the same thing online. I write differently on my blog than I do in my journal. It’s a whole universe of different topics and sayings and wordings. I’m honest here, but I’m even more honest in my journal. I write differently on forums than I do social networking sites. I write differently in messenger chats than I do in emails. I don’t do that out of any means of being despicably deceptive. I think I do it because I only share the basest, most real me with the people I really truly care about. The few that know that are people I really trust, and they know who they are.
If you feel like you don’t self-edit (you do), you still have the perspectives of other people that will define differences. Even if you try to treat everyone you know the same, a person will see you differently than another will. It’s an impossible thing to block, and it makes me just as nervous as me making sure I use the correct self-edits. With it completely out of my control, I put my self-edits on overdrive and I don’t really feel like I ever know what a person actually thinks about me. I’m always hoping they see me as a good person, but I can’t guarantee that. Anything you can do can have a positive and/or negative impact, and for the most part, it’s almost impossible to tell what a person actually thinks of you until they express it. After a certain point, it’s completely out of your hands and terrifying. This can, at times, make me nervous enough to feel sick if I’m wanting someone to like me. I’m lucky when I have the few moments that I don’t care about that. I wish I had more, to be honest.
Even admitting that much, though, I can’t have more moments where I don’t care. It can be a good thing to a point, but if you don’t care about how you seem to other people, you could lose track of who you need to be or who you want to be. If I can’t keep myself on the track to being who I want to be, that’s when I’ll get truly scared. I’m still trying to be someone better, to be able to self-edit less and have more people come away with a positive opinion of me. I’m still trying to make sure that I balance that to the point where I’m not just living for other people’s opinions as well. I’m horrid at it, there’s no denying, but with each mistake, I get better than I was before, so maybe at some point I’ll be that better person my self-edits try to make myself look to be.
Sorry this isn’t a Godzilla review. I had thoughts on my mind, and I decided to post that tonight rather than a basic review. Sorry if the post is a bit off kilter. It was more a stream of consciousness that I just wanted to write through. It’s nowhere near perfect.
I’m going to attempt to have a Godzilla review up early tomorrow, but I may not be able to get that out to you all until Sunday evening. Keep an eye out, because for the first time in a long time, I didn’t lose myself in the movies like I always expect to be when the lights go down. I want to tell why, so I’m making sure that I do sometime this weekend. Besides, I’ve gotta fill in the time till I go and sob at The Fault In Our Stars in two weeks.