That Nagging Feeling

It’s weird.

I had something genuinely awesome happen for me today, but something’s been throwing me completely off-kilter. At first, I thought that it was the fact that I wasn’t really getting holiday time this year. I didn’t last year, either, but I was hoping for at least one day. It’s not really worked out, though, and it’s made me think about what I’m missing out on. My nephew’s first Christmas, seeing everyone I love and care about in the same place for a bit, even if I can only take being around socializing in a good sized group of people for so long. It’s not that I don’t like them or don’t want to be around them, it’s that I can only take so much. If they’re reading this, I hope they realize that’s the case.

That was part of it, but it didn’t seem to cut into the entirety of what I was feeling. Maybe it was just the stress from work getting to me. It’s been an incredibly rough week, with a week that’s just as hard coming up. I’m looking at overtime for this past week, and likely seeing overtime next week as well, unless things die down a bit. It’s been exhausting, and I’m still not getting a ton of sleep. I’m gonna make major paychecks, but I swear I’ll have probably shaved a few years off of my life after this.

Even that, though, is not enough to provoke this kind of feeling in me. Like I said, both are contributing, but not enough to drag this out of me to the point where I feel like I need to put pen to paper or fingers to keys to work through it. The other contributing factor is that I’m feeling myself digging myself into a rut again. I’m making things feel so familiar to the point where I don’t have to change anything. That’s not good for me. It doesn’t let me be creative, it doesn’t get me to do anything out of my norm, and it keeps me all by myself. I’ve got projects to work on that I haven’t touched. I haven’t tried to get any work done towards jobs I really want to do in weeks in one case, in months in others. I’m not helping myself in any way, shape or form. I’m not doing myself any favors and that’s a real disservice to myself.

Maybe it’s just the new year being ahead and me realizing I haven’t made the changes this past year that I felt I needed or wanted to. I’m not making this a resolution post. I’m not going to make a list of things I’ll do in the year ahead to make myself better. Really, what it is for me is for me and me alone to know. I know that’s kind of a strange thing to put on a post that’ll be plastered on the internet like so many flyers in a college dorm, but like I’ve said in the past, sometimes I do better for myself and my brain when I work stuff out through writing. So, now I think I know at least a basic structure of what I want the next year to look like for me; a way to finally knock that nagging feeling in the back of my brain telling me that I’m not doing things well enough. Hopefully, this is the year I do.

We’ll see.

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